Tragic Comedy

Trying something

Brett — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 19:12:44 +0000

Trying the WordPress app on my phone. Yes I am a nerd. Nice to meet you. Our move is 3 days away now. We have been taking things down since Saturday. Excitited and nervous at the same time. Jen does not really have a job yet so that is a bit worrysome. We should be ok on what I make but would like some elbow room. I know I have been neglectful of this thing but have been busy. I am so grateful to my sister for opening up her house to us. It was a blessing to be able to come back here.

The windows a wound, the road is a knife…

Brett — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 01:13:08 +0000

The above videos are from the Carbon Leaf at the Blind Pig that I went to on my birthday. It was a great birthday.
It got me thinking about the live experience and why I like it so much. It never fails that at every concert myself and whoever I went to the concert with start talking with the people in line waiting for the concert. Now the people that know me know that I am not the type of person to go up to someone and start talking. But at these shows everyone is there for one reason and everyone has something in common. Concerts bring people together from all walks of life that would normally not be there. It is great to be part of that communal spirit. It is an escape for a while from the troubles of the day.
Then the music starts. It is like the crowd is one organism feeding off of the band and each other. Singing and dancing along to every word. I wish the feeling could come out of the venue, but it is left there forever with the echoes of the music still bouncing off of the wall. So do yourself a favor. Get out to a show, become one with the fans and the band. You will have an out of body experience.

Crisis of faith..

Brett — Mon, 17 May 2010 02:36:12 +0000

Today I went to a funeral. It was Jens sister in laws younger sister. I am not sure how much more their family can take. Margie Jens sister in law lost her husband two years ago when Jens brother passed away from a siezure. Then a month ago Margies father passed away from cancer. Now she loses her sister. Kelly the girl who passes away left behind three little kids. The oldest is 7.

Three kids that will never know their mother except through pictures and stories. A husband left without a wife when they had just gotten started with their lives. Sisters left without their sister when they needed her most. Tell me where the plan is in that. I don’t see it.

I always am the one that takes things on faith and that thind happen for a reason. Now I am not so sure. I don’t see any good that can come from it. I always found my faith a place that I could go to for comfort and answers. I am at a loss now.

The priest during the funeral said that people would have questions like how God could let cancer to continue on. Why there was not a cure for it. Why people had to suffer. He had no answer. So how am I supposed to come up with them? Again I am at a loss and have a lot of questions that I need to answer.

We love you Kelly. God speed

What have you learned?

Brett — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 02:46:13 +0000

What have you learned, can you remember?
What would you like for me to do?
Everything you need from me is in your hands
And everything else is up to you
You’re like a butterfly on a windy day
You use directions in a roundabout way

On the eve of my 39th birthday I have been doing a lot of thinking.
You’re like a butterfly on a windy day
You use directions in a roundabout way

I have definitely taken a roundabout way to get to where I am. I am going to be graduating with a degree from college next month at the ripe age of 39. It took me long enough but it I am finally nearing the end. Well for a few weeks anyway until I start my bachelors classes. But I think it is definitely going to be exciting. It will feel like I have actually accomplished something. Although it does not feel like it right now. It will come I think. I just wish I could have taken the straight path instead of the roundabout way.

What have you learned, can you remember?

I have learned a lot I think. One thing is to never take things for granted. Not your job, not your health, and not having money. It can all be gone like that. I have spent a lot of my life worrying. I have been worrying about dying, worrying about work, worrying about money. Somewhere along the line I have forgotten to live. It has kept me from making the best of myself.

Everything you need from me is in your hands
And everything else is up to you

I think if God spoke to me, this is what he would say. He gave me life; the rest is up to me. I need to do something with my life or else it is going to be a waste. I need to put myself out there. Stop worrying, and live. I hope that the people who read this will to.

You have to log in to see this. Good times, bad times… (private)

Brett — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 00:34:21 +0000

You must be logged in to see this private post

I’m your biggest fan….

Brett — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 03:20:19 +0000

Fans are a funny breed. I have two things that I have been waiting for to come out. The new Barenaked Ladies CD: All in Good Time, and the new Jim Butcher book: Changes. The latest book in the Dresden Files series. In this day and age of information it is easy to get ahold of things before they come out.
I visit the BNL and Jim Butcher message boards and see what their fans have to say about their products. It is funny to see how protective fans are of their favorite authors and bands. They tend to claim these things are their own. To want to be a part of things. They have specific ways on how they want to experience their new book or CD.
Much music had a preview of the new BNL CD that you could listen to for free before it came out. Most of the people that posted on the message board would not listen to it because it was before the release date. It was like they were cheating on the band. Even if it was totally legal. Another case of having something in your head on how you wanted the experience to be. The need to read the thank you’s in the CD liner. To have this memento of a special moment. It says something on the power of music and these artists to make you feel something. To attach music to a day and time in your life. To make it yours.
I am jealous of the artists to be able to create something that means so much to people that what they do can make people love the thing that you do to act so irrationally, and evoke such emotion. These people have a gift. I also appreciate the artists for sharing their art with people. Now would I listen to the CD before it came out? You bet. If I could get my hands on the new Dresden book a week earlier would I? Heck yeah I would. I am one of those types of people that hates waiting.
I know this is not my typical type of post, but do yourself a favor and pick up the new BNL and Dresden book. You won’t regret it.

Laughter. It does a body good.

Brett — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 17:09:59 +0000

Last night I had a guys night out with my cousins and some friends of ours. Had a great night. I got to forget my problems for a while and just be. We had Laugh out loud fun gaming and ripping on each other and just basically goofing off. I have had some issues getting out and leaving the house due to depression and anxiety. I have been pushing myself to get out and not keep standing up my friends because pretty soon they will quit asking. Not to mention it gets Jen and I out of each others hair. Being in the basement even though it has a bedroom makes for close quarters. Especially with neither of us working.
Jen is going for her second interview on Monday so hopefully unemployment will end for her. I have not found anything yet. I did not get the second interview with the place I went to. Still keeping my head up though. My commencement for college is coming up in June. I was not sure if I should go or not. I was not thinking it was that big of a deal. I have never been in this situation before. But I think I will go. It will be fun though I will not know anyone. My family will be there. So that will be enough. I guess that is all I have for now.

Mid-life crisis..

Brett — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 00:49:10 +0000

My thirty ninth birthday is coming up as well as a year of being unemployed. These realizations have got me kind of freaking out and thinking about my life. I realize that it has pretty much been a waste. I am 39, unemployed, and living in my sisters basement. I don’t really have any retirement except for a pension from EDS. So I pretty much have nothing. Definitely not what I had planned for myself. I guess hearing back from a lead saying that they were looking elsewhere to fill the position and were not going to hire me hit me hard. It seems like I have not marketable skills whatsoever. I am keeping my head up by knowing that I am doing well in school and realize that I am only the end of this semester from graduating.
I am sorry to be a Debbie downer on here but I am not really able to let it out anywhere. I am keeping my head up and trying to be positive. I am letting off a lot of steam on here. On a positive note Jen should have a job by the end of the week. So good for her. Here is to hoping that I do not get a hair piece or buy a Vett.

Stop the world

Brett — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 06:08:36 +0000

Lots going on this week, and really nothing at all. Still no job leads. It seems like that is the same old, same old. Trying to keep my head up. I am going on a year with no job. I have never been without a job for this long since I have started working. I am not sure I will remember how to do a job. The one positive is that I will be graduating in May. So looking forward to that. Not looking forward to the student loans. Especially when I have no job.
Money or lack of it seems to be a major theme running through our lives right now. We have been without money for as long as I can remember. We put my check in the bank but could not get any money out because they had put a hold on it. I wrote a check to my sister to cash so we could have money for groceries. It bounced. I have not been that mortified in a long time. Such a loser.
On top of that my nephew Jake got a new car and parked it in the garage. I was taking out the trash and bumped the mirror and it came off. So I had to take it and get it fixed. Lucky it only costed 25 dollars. Still another strike. I am trying hard to get along with my sister and to not make problems and there I went and screwed up on 2 things. The thing is, is that my sister did not even care. I had put all of that on myself and what I had perceived things to be. I know I have mentioned this before, but she has been so great.
Then today Jen got a call that her sister in laws father had passed away this morning. I feel so sorry for her. This is the wife of Jens brother that had passed away. She has had a rough 4 years. We had met him several times and he was a really nice man. He will be missed.
Well thank you for reading this. I have not spoken about any of these things to anyone. I have have been really worried about things that I say lately. So I have kept kind of quiet with things like this.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Brett — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:05:28 +0000

That seems to be the question of the day. I never thought I would be asking it at 39. I have been looking for jobs, but when I read them I feel like I am never qualified. It has been so long since I have worked I am worried that I will forget what I have learned. On the plus side school is going well. I don’t know how people do school these days. The temptation to cheat is everywhere. I was doing research for a paper and most of the sites that popped up were for people selling papers. I hope that people will not do that. It is so not worth it. I have been there and done that and it is so not worth the worry.
I had to stop taking one of my main anxiety meds about a month ago. It has been a rough time dealing with anxiety. I really made some steps this weekend. I went to Jens brother and sister-in laws for dinner for her parents birthday. I was not sure that if i was going to be able to do it, but I pushed myself to leave the house and it went fine. We have been out every day since then. So maybe I will not need the meds. It has been a long time since I have not taken them. I have been looking for a doctor to see for prescription. Unfortunately I don’t have insurance so it has been tough to find someone. I also went to the Department of Human Services. They told me that it could take up to 90 days to get medicaid. It is a good thing that I am not freaking out.
Other than that things are going ok. My sister has been great. I am so grateful for her letting us live here. I have been applying to jobs, but have not heard anything yet. Here is hoping.