Tragic Comedy

Lots going through my mind right now. Starting new classes, getting ready for the move and coming to terms with my friends down here. It feels like I am already gone and I have not left yet. I have not really spoken with any of them since my going away party. I know there have been events, but I have not been invited. That kinda hurts seeing as I have known a lot of these people for going on seven years. I don’t know, maybe I am reading to much into it, but it does not feel that way to me.
I am looking forward to going home. Just seems like there is a lot to do still, and not enough time to do it. I am thinking of how we are going to get along with my sister. How she is going to get along with us. It is different living with someone. Have to make sure not to step on any toes. But at least it seems like people are going to be glad to have us there. Here I cannot say the same, or what people will think when we leave. This is the most life changing decisions I have made since the decision to move down here. Here is hoping for the best.

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Timing in my life lately has been horrible. My unemployment check ran out the week that rent was due, throwing a serious crimper in that. I can’t request another check until the 15th, will prob receive it on around the 19th due to an extension. So I guess they will have to kick us out. Which I guess does not matter since we are moving then. But still just adds a stressor to my life. I also have the Cisco class which is 40 hours a week plus the 2 classes I am taking through the University of Phoenix, so time has been extremely thing especially when I am supposed to be finishing packing.
I have tried not to put much on Facebook about it because I really don’t like talking about my problems, but as the Lifehouse song goes, “I try my best to be guarded, but am an open book instead.” So some has leaked out onto the pages of FB. I hate that it has. So I guess I am just dealing with a lot lately and am feeling frayed. I guess I just need to hope that things get better in Michigan.

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It seems that I have been wrestling with that question for a long time. I have been adrift for a while. Once the anxiety hit I fell away from who I was. I lost my faith. I was very ready to blame god for the problems that I was having, so I still believed that he existed. I did not think that he would help me however. I thought that prayers were kind of a waste of time. There was to be no help for me. I would have to do it on my own. If someone asked me if I was a Christian I would say yeah but… I would never take a stand on the issue. I don’t know whether it was because I was afraid of what my friends would say, or the struggles of faith that I was going through. Either way I was denying my faith and part of myself.
This goes against everything I was taught and raised as. It also goes against who I am. My decisions that I make in life are shaped by me being a Christian. It shapes my relationships, and the way I handle those relationships. The other day someone asked if I was a Christian. For the first time in a long time I answered yes. There was no hesitation, no buts. It was a yes that came from the heart. So I think for the first time in a long time I am rediscovering who I am. I know I have a ways to go but for the first time I am on the right track. I won’t be ashamed, I won’t apologize. This is me.

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I got some disturbing news last night. A friend of mine tried to commit suicide the other day. Unfortunately since my cell phone was cut off, I did not find out until last night. Part of me is is extremely pissed at him. The other part is very sad for him. A couple of months ago that could have been me. I was contemplating suicide, but obviously did not go through with it. I had just spoken with him a few days ago about getting help. He said that he was afraid that he could not be helped. He has just gotten back on meds and I thought he was on the right track. I was wrong. I keep thinking that there was more I could have done, some way I could have helped. But I am going to take a lesson from this. I will look at all the people that his actions affected, and see how devastated we all are, and make sure that I never do that to my friends and family. It tears me up that last I heard none of his family have came to see him, but we are his family to. We love and care for him. I hope that he finds the help and peace that he needs. I hope that I can be a part of that. To all of my other friends if things ever get that bad please know that you can come to me at any time.

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A lot of things have been going on in my life. For the most part I have been keeping it in. I guess I am looking for a release here. Throw the proverbial message in a bottle out into cyberspace. It seems like I have lost the people that I go to with problems. I am not sure really what happened. I guess they have their own things going on. It has always been in my nature to put my problems in the background and add importance to other peoples problems. Something I am working on.
I have been kind of floating on the ocean without a rudder. Sleep has pretty much been non-existent. Thoughts go through my head a million miles an hour and I can’t seem to quiet them. I am 38 and have no idea what I am doing with my life. I am restless, I can’t concentrate on anything for very long. Prospects don’t look very good for employment. On the plus side I have signed up to do some volunteer work with the Red Cross. At least that will get me out of the house.
There is more but like I said I am having problems organizing my thoughts lately.

*splash*

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I went home this weekend for my nephew Jakes graduation party. Every time I go home it is a whirlwind of activity trying to see everyone and spend time with them. I was put up by my parents when I went home.
Every time I see them I am more amazed. They are in their 70′s and are helping to pick up tables for the party, helping with the set up, and many other things. It is very hard to imagine them getting up in age. It makes me value the time that I do spend with them even more.
I am also amazed at the relationships that they have with their grand kids. I love my grandparents but I don’t think I was ever as close with them as my nieces and nephews are with my parents. They take them to practices when my sisters can’t. They are at game, recitals, and multiple other events showing their support and love for them. They are spending as much time and imparting as much wisdom to them as they can. Much like they did to my brothers and sisters. At a time when they can brush it off as being older or tired, they offer no such excuse. They are there for them and us. End of question. I wish I told them more how much I appreciate them. I hope that I can be half the uncle to my nieces and nephews as they are grandparents.

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I just got an invitation to my high school graduation 20th reunion. It is amazing how quickly childhood insecurities come back even at age 38. I was never really friends with many people in high school. I have not heard from these people in 20 years. I was not what you would call a social butterfly in school. Especially high school. I guess it was a combination of my non existent social skills and being awkward. I never had a girlfriend or went to dances or proms. I guess it was me trying to attain the unattainable. I always went way out of my league. Some of the people from school became friends with me on Facebook. It is taking some getting used to having these people read the daily goings on in my life. I don’t know. I hope I have changed or at least grown from the experience of youth. Sometimes it seems like I have not changed at all.
Another blast from the past is I joined a group on Facebook with alumni from my youth group from church. It was kind of the same thing there. It always seemed like I was the outsider with them. I spent a lot of time by myself when we were on youth tours. It seemed like the to do. I have some fond memories but they are overshadowed by the feelings of low self worth when I was with them.
So it has been a battle thinking that I have changed and I am not that same awkward kid with not many friends and even less prospects. I guess time will tell.

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Now playing: Evanescence – My Immortal
via FoxyTunes

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I remember Debbie in the second grade
I picked up the torch and it burned bright
I carried it for her.
Eventually it died
Another’s turn to light it
Still it went unnoticed
An awkward kid wearing his heart on his sleeve
It got knocked off to many times to count.
Always it was the F word
Friend. Good enough for that
Still the flame burned
Burned until I was consumed
I still bear the scars today
Trying to attain the unattainable
It never worked for me

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Going up. The anticipation starts. You keep rising. You look out and you can see the world. You see people with a million possibilities. The world is open to you. You get to the top. You wait with fear for the drop. The descent starts. You lose control. You see your life passing before you. You sweat, you scream uncertain of the outcome. You come crashing down to earth, safe and sound. But before you can recover the ascent starts again.
This is how my life has been. A series of ups and downs that I seem to have no control of. It would not be so bad if these moments were spread out a bit. My motivation has left the station. I feel like I am along for the ride. I just want to get off. I have the highs of going to a great concert to lows of feeling like I am worthless, trying to find some meaning. I have shut myself off from friends and family, even my wife. I think my friends are ready to give up. My self worth was built so much on my job. Without one it is hard to find a reason to get out of bed. Which I guess is why I am updating this at 4am. I love my friends dearly and hope they stick around. Once I can find a way to open up I think I am gonna need them. I guess for now please be patient.

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Now playing: Carbon Leaf – Torn to Tatteredcarrier to noise ratio
via FoxyTunes

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Pondering the imponderable
You wonder if it would be so terrible to not be here
You slam the door and close yourself off
You feel so alone
Her name is on your lips
This will be the end
The end of feeling useless
The end of the worry
The end of a life wasted
That wasted life flashes before you
It is too late to turn back now
That is when it hits you
As the memories fly through you
The sum of life is what makes you what you are
The good, the bad
The pain, the pleasure
It blends into a tableau that is you
We are the sum of our experiences
There is a plan for us
As you turn from the edge
You look back
You see the lives you have touched
You see the people that would miss you
You think it just may be worth it to stick around

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